Happy When It Rains
by Strawberry Switchblade
Summary: [OotP spoilers]after finished OotP, i was bummed, so what else was i supposed to do, but write? >D Remus contemplates and in the process uncovers some old memories that he'd rather not have. This is basically Remus thinking and remeniscing.slight RL/SB


happy when it rains by strawberry switchblade  
  
characters - remus, sirius, ron, hermione  
  
coupling - remus x sirius, and some unintentional ron x hermione  
  
author's notes - after finished OotP, i was bummed, so what else was i supposed to do, but write? D Remus contemplates and in the process uncovers some old memories that he'd rather not have. This is basically Remus thinking and recalling his earliest transformations and neglegent parents.  
  
Remus's thoughts are surrounded by ' '  
  
x  
  
Remus Lupin sat in his bed. In the past few days loss beyond any other, the death of his best friend Sirius Black, had began to sink in. It was very late and the half moon shone through the window pane sorrowfully. On these nights he found himself moping lethargically and feeling an absolute loss of socialism. He felt isolated beyond comprehension, the only marauder left untouched by Voldemort. James and Sirius were dead, Peter had given a hand to the Dark Lord. He was whole, yet felt so empty.  
  
'what did i do to survive?'  
  
He rolled onto his side. Sirius was gone, James and Lily were gone, and here he was. While he should have felt lucky and maybe a bit happy, he found himself thoroughly depressed.  
  
'am i a coward?'  
  
Maybe this whole time he'd been hiding. Hiding behind others. Enjoying the view while others took heat for him.. Dumbledore employed him, knowing he was a werewolf. During the seven years he spent inside the castle walls of Hogwarts, Sirius and James would do anything to protect him, any of their group, for that matter. And what did he do? Just watch while Sirius fell to his death? Not even attempt to help him defend against Bellatrix Lestrange? Now he'd blown his chance to ever tell Sirius his true feelings. Maybe they were romantic, maybe they were more brotherly, but whatever they were, Sirius would never know. He would never know just how special Sirius's existence was to him.  
  
'well, i suppose one of us had to die first..'  
  
Remus thought as he buried his face in his hands and sobbed. Out in the hall, Hermione and Ron were getting back from a walk and stopped at the sound of Remus's voice. They gave eachother looks of pity.  
  
"It's so horrible to have to watch this.." Hermione said quietly, rubbing her eyes quickly.  
  
x  
  
'my parents were truly hopeless people. Abandoning me when i was so young. Up until when i was 10 they thought they had figured out my transformations. Those years hold my most scarring memories. We lived in a run-down castle hundreds of miles away from civilization. The dungeons were horrible. Dark, Dank, and reeking with the smell of dead bodies and sulfur. My father abused his power over me and my mother and was a drunk. My mother was never too keen on me, saying I was a mistake to my face. 'a child wouldn't understand' she said to my father when he told her to stop, but they both saw me as a mistake. My father loved to scare me so he would lock me in the dungeons every one in a while. I would cry all night, sometimes being brave enough to try and find the door. but since I didn't wear shoes in there i would injure myself on cracked skeletons of rats and such. My dad would let me out in the morning and ask if he had 'scared the lady in me out' yet. I suppose i was lucky that my parents were neglegent. They never paid much attention to the good things i did, like sit in my room and study. Which was what I had to do in my spare time. And when your parents don't pay attention to you and you have no siblings, you tend to have a lot of spare time.  
  
'When I was bitten, my life became living hell. My parents didn't know much about werewolves. They had only watched muggle movies about them. During my transformations i was chained up next to a pile of decaying skeletons. I'd stay there for a week, only released to eat. I smelled horrible since I never got to leave to go to the bathroom and my parents would just say that werewolves didn't care what they smelled or looked like and didn't have emotion. Once their son was a werewolf they knew everything about werewolves. Now to them, I was a mistake and a scuff on the family name. Maybe this is what makes me think that me and Sirius are similar. Neglegent families that don't want you. Being an unwanted black smudge on a white canvas. When I was in my room, I could hear them with guests. When they asked how I was, they'd flat out deny my existence. I think they said it loudly on purpose, so it carried up to the floor my room was on. I wouldn't have expected any more from them. If I cried, I was deemed and ingrate, if I was happy or happened to laugh, they'd suspect I was up to something. I had to be cold and complacent. I had to stop existing. Sometimes I got the feeling that if I was ignored anymore they'd eventually just walk through me. Then, when I was 10 years old, something horrendously wonderful happened. I was abandoned in Diagon Alley. I had a little money from my piggy bank that I had saved up from my relatives who remembered me before I was a werewolf. It was barely enough to hitch a ride on the Knight Bus, but that's how I got to Hogwarts.  
  
'Why do I remember now? Why was it Sirius? I suppose this was the reason I strained to push these thoughts to the back of my head, so as not to hurt myself. How can memories hurt so badly?'  
  
He was like this for a few more minutes, thinking things over, feeling like he was opening an old flesh wound. Then a thought struck him  
  
'Did I depend on Sirius that much? If so.. I owe him and can never pay him back. How can I be so helpless without him?'  
  
He sobbed harder than ever. Hermione buried her face in hands. Ron wiped away a few tears. Both of them stood in the hall as stiff as planks, wanting to leave, but not daring to move.  
  
The thoughts in Remus's head were all longing to escape out his mouth but he held them back. pursing his lips so as to keep quiet he wiped his bloodshot eyes on his pajamas. He picked up a picture from next to his lamp and stared at it longingly. It was him and Sirius in their seventh year. Sirius was pretending to kiss a very alarmed Remus on the cheek . Remus closed his eyes and slowly touched his lips to the photograph. But this neither soothed the pain nor took away the pain from his memories. He set down the picture of himself and a now furiously blushing shaggy haired boy. Instead of feeling the least bit relieved he felt empty and nostalgic. Hermione had had enough. She made to open the door, but Ron touched her hand and gave her a knowing look. She took her hand back and held it to her heart. Ron was a bit startled. He'd never seen Hermione this broken before. While she was usually calm and collected when it came to loss. They walked down the hall together silently, making sure not to make a noise. Remus rolled back over and stared at a ceiling fan that had long since stopped working. The draft from outside moved the ceiling fan slightly and forced Remus to pull the covers over him tighter. After shifting around uncomfortably, all out of tears with burning eyes, he whispered in a cracking voice,  
  
"Are you really having fun, Sirius?"  
  
x  
  
and we drove so hard  
and we lived so good  
and we lived our lives in black  
but something about you  
felt like pain..  
you were my sunny day rain  
you were the clouds in the sky  
you were the darkest sky  
but your lips spoke gold and honey  
and that's why  
i'm happy when it rains  
  
x  
  
author's note - er- this is my first R/S fic and my first angst fic. I hope you enjoyed.. oh yea!  
  
DISCLAIMER - JK Rowling and whoever else own Harry Potter and all of the characters and I don't own the song "Happy When It Rains" by The Jesus and Mary Chain, either. n_n;; 


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